The Wonderful World of Jewish/Yiddish Humor.....

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table.
He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right.....
..... They wouldn't let me in without a tie!!!

That joke is weird and or offputting to me. It takes slyness to a level of information-denial that makes me uncomfortable. Not your responsibility, i realize -- you don't write the Jewish jokes, only report them.

Teams of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they discovered a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Menorah.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals to help them till the soil."

"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea to fish for food."

"The last symbol appears to be the Menorah, which means that they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!"

Catherine...why does that joke bother you?

The joke had nothing to do with the Middle East...if that was the problem???

Do you know the joke about the turtle & scorpion?

A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river.
"Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."
"My dear turtle," laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?"

"You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:

"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?"

"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "It's just my character."

I'VE ALSO HEARD IT WITH THIS PUNCHLINE:

"It has nothing to do with logic," this is the Middle East!!!"

First, i do not like the Arab[Jew joke because it makes the Jew out to be one who holds back potentially life-saving information for not reason. Second, i feel the same way abut the second joke. Analytically, it is similar. The scorpion holds back information about itself.

Here's one that i do like:

Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street. Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."

Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"

Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement -- it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"

"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you." So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth.

"Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."

And here is another that i like:

A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."

The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."

"Well, in that case..."

Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."

"But my daughter is too young to marry."

"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."

"Ah, in that case..."

Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."

"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."

"Ah, in that case...."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant."...

PERHAPS if the arab were a nicer person...???...we wouldn't be arguing this point...personally I wouldn't have given him any directions......NOW he has his water feels refreshed and comes back to steal all the ties...some people you just can't be nice to!!!

I agree to disagree!

I like humour based on Jewish and Yiddish word-play ("A disease of the gentiles") and on rule-bending cleverness ("Lord Rothschild's son-in-law").

Q: Why were gentiles invented?

A: Somebody has to pay retail.

Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?

A: Fillet minyan.

My Son the Surgeon

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renown surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me.. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Goldblatt's Hearing Aid

Goldblatt was showing off. He told his friend, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"A quarter of twelve," was the answer.

House Calls
Years ago, doctors made house calls. It was much a social visit as professional.
'Eat something, doctor.
You look terrible.'
He had to taste Mama's liver, tongue, and kidneys before she would let him look at Papa's.
It was not unusual for the doctor to get sick at our house."

GI Insurance

Airman Cohen was assigned to advise new recruits about GI Insurance. Captain Smith noticed that he had almost a 100% record for sales. Amazed, the captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Cohen's pitch.
Cohen explained the basics of GI Insurance, then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI Insurance and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."

"So you tell me," he concluded, "who do you think they're going to send into battle first?"

Such a Son-in-Law

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"
The old Jew still doesn't answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but i really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"
The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. ...........And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law
who can't even afford a watch?"

Those were nice! The last two were especially pleasing. I like Jewish jokes in which logical/illogical conclusion is reached and stated with conviction.

"Nymphomaniac Convention"

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!!!!!"

"""""""""""""23RD PSALM FOR A JEWISH PRINCESS"""""""""""""

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want

He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus

He giveth me energy for shopping

He restoreth my checkbook

He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations

He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake

Yea, though I walk by Target I shall not go in,
for Thou art with me

Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me

Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics

My cup overflows

Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.

-- Amen

********************The Van Burens****************

Even in the 90s some Jewish merchants are concerned about discrimination and name their businesses with English sounding names.

On Fifth Avenue, in Manhattan, a lil' Yuppette stopped in a new jewelry store called "Van Buren's Jewelers." She asked the clerk if the owners were the Southampton Van Burens.

The clerk replied, "No, the Southampton Van Buren's are the Goldbergs.
This store's owned by the Brooklyn Van Buren's..... the Shapiros."

Who were the first Insult Comics???

The American Insult Comics from Fat Jack Leonard & Don Rickles to Jeffrey Ross & the Comedy Roasts stems from the Shtetls (at the weddings) and a character known as the "Bodkin"!!!

"...the role of the bodkin, which was a guy — and it always was a guy — who was given the freedom to speak the truth, especially at weddings. He could stand up and say things that nobody else could get away with."
“He’d do the shpritz at a wedding, making fun of people. Shpritz is spray. It’s how Jewish comics for years delivered material. It’s a rat-a-tat-tat non-stop delivery. Groucho Marx did it — and he’d do it so fast that poor Margaret Dumont, who co-starred with him, could never keep up.”

Four Jewish Ladies are sitting around playing mah jongg

First lady says:
"you know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac.
But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
Next lady says: "well, since we are having a true confessions here, I must get something off my chest. I am a nymphomaniac.
But don't worry I have not hit on your husbands' They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.
" Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian.
But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also.....
I am a Yenta and I have some phone calls to make!!!"

Three ladies have gathered for lunch: Sadie, Bessie and Rose.
As they sit down in the restaurant, Sadie lets out a long sigh.
Bessie immediately wails, "Oyyy..........!"
Rose looks at them both and says, "I thought we had decided NOT to
talk about our children!"

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.

After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.

"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man.
"I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."

"After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God.
So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths."

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son.

"In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!"

"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?"
asked his excited father.

"No," said the son.

"I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father. "You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"

The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named Yamulka."

Drop Dead Funny and Very Touching at the same time....

Archie Bunker's eulogy...is a Classic...
Watch till the end!!!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/MnignqBw4CY

New Jewish Words for 2016

These are hilarious neologisms from Yiddish and Judaism.
Kind regards and VOTSNUs, [What is new?]



Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.


Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..

Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck20 (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork