Genealogy Humor

If you are married, would your spouse be as "honest"???

An Honest Man…

This 89-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati, he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, “six”.

The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife’s behalf.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

The ending is going to surprise you (don't peak)... I know you are going to laugh!!!

...SAY IT AIN'T SO...this is a tough one!!!


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine; they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for ?'

She answered:



'THE TEETH.'

Here are some good thoughts to think about and maybe incorporate into your life or pass on to others.

Good stuff from a friend. Good to pass along.

I asked one of my friends who crossed 70 & is heading to 80 what sort of changes he is feeling in himself?

#1 After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children, my friends, now I have started loving myself.

#2 I just realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders.

#3 I now stopped bargaining with vegetable & fruit vendors. A few pennies more is not going to burn a hole in my pocket but it might help the poor fellow save for his daughter’s school fees.

#4 I give my waitress a big tip. The extra money might bring a smile to her face. She is toiling much harder to make a living than I am.

#5 I stopped telling the elderly that they've already told that story many times. The story makes them walk down the memory lane & relive the past.

#6 I learned not to correct people even when I know they are wrong. The onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection.

#7 I give compliments freely & generously. Compliments are a mood enhancer not only for the recipient, but also for me. And a small tip for the recipient of a compliment, never, NEVER turn it down, just say "Thank You"

#8 I have learned not to bother about a crease or a spot on my shirt. Personality speaks louder than appearances.

#9 I walk away from people who don't value me. They might not know my worth, but I do.

#10 I remain cool when someone plays dirty to outrun me in the rat race. I am not a rat & neither am I in any race.

#11 I am learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. It’s my emotions that make me human.

#12 I have learned that it's better to drop the ego than to break a relationship. My ego will keep me aloof, whereas with relationships I will never be alone.

#13 I have learned to live each day as if it's the last. After all, it might be the last.

#14 I am doing what makes me happy. I am responsible for my happiness, and I owe it to myself. Happiness is a choice. You can be happy at any time, just choose to be! 😁

I decided to send this to all my friends. Why do we have to wait to be 60 or 70 or 80, why can't we practice this at any stage and age....

I stole this, I don't know who to credit it to, but thank you!

Good to share.

Excellent pearls of wisdom, Patricia Ann Scoggin. Thank so much for sharing. I think I may put this on my office door (not retired yet, but seriously know I am moving toward that day. Just good words to live by even if not retired. :-)

These are priceless & I know you are going to agree with many of them.

Never Squat with your Spurs On?????

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post (from Maysville, Okla) , was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known (along with Mark Twain)

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

********************

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get; the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

Patricia Ann Scoggin, I really get the "Never miss a good chance to shut up." Seems like it should be a part of the vows of our politicians. :-)

Wisdom


My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

My bucket list: keep breathing.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."
i
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

At my funeral, take the bouquet from my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

Retired: Under new management. See spouse for details.

Be the kind of woman who when your feet hit the floor first thing in the morning, the devil says: "Oh, oh, here she comes."

When you can't find the sunshine..be the sunshine.

I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

Hold on while I overthink this.

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

Day 12 without chocolate...lost hearing in my left eye.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going

My body is a temple, ancient and crumbling, perhaps cursed or haunted.

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

PLEASE KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. Nothing to do with virus. I'm just a grouch.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

I laughed, chuckled, & cried as I read this list.... hope you do also. Pat

Ok this only partly funny. It on infant death record. I wondering what was going through this doctors head this first for me. I could say more but they don’t allow drinking on duty. How weird lol.

Cause of Death Dead on arrival nothing else.

Ella Mae Myers

Billie

Billie June Keaffaber. Yeah. That is funny! DOA. LOL.

Susanne,
I just put cause unknown since they put that. Makes me wonder if doctor was a drinker or something.

Billie

I looked to see if that was a stillborn child, because that was the only thing I could think of that made sense.

You know your getting old when you have to refer to geni to find out how old you are lol.

Billie

Billie June Keaffaber, my 1st cousin had to remind me the other day that my dear mother will be 95 in January. I had it in my head that she was still 92! I know what you mean.

Susanne,
I thought I was older lol that the bad think here all year been I 53 I just turned 53 couple days ago lol.

Billie