Genealogy Humor

Thanks Tammy. I appreciate feedback, comments and contributions.

A lot of excellent quotes

15 Favorite Quotes about Family History
From: https://familyhistorydaily.com/family-history/15-genealogy-quotes-l...

1. Every book is a quotation; and every house is a quotation out of all forests, and mines, and stone quarries; and every man is a quotation from all his ancestors. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
2. If you are lucky enough to be a genealogist, you are lucky enough. – Ruth Padilla
3. Friends come and go, but relatives tend to accumulate. – Unknown
4. Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living. – Unknown
5. There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his. – Helen Keller
6. If you don’t know history, you don’t know anything. You are a leaf that doesn’t know it is part of a tree. – Michael Crichton
7. We inherit from our ancestors gifts so often taken for granted. Each of us contains within this inheritance of soul. We are links between the ages, containing past and present expectations, sacred memories and future promise. – Edward Sellner
8. Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing – Wernher von Braun
9. We need to haunt the house of history and listen anew to the ancestors wisdom. – Maya Angelou
10. To forget one’s ancestors is to be a brook without a source, a tree without a root. – Chinese Proverb
11. Some family trees have beautiful leaves, and some have just a bunch of nuts. Remember, it is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking. – Unknown
12. If we tried to sink the past beneath our feet, be sure the future would not stand. – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
13. Most of our ancestors were not perfect ladies and gentlemen. The majority of them weren’t even mammals. – Robert Anton Wilson
14. The thing that interests me most about family history is the gap between the things we think we know about our families and the realities. – Jeremy Hardy
15. Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. – Mark Twain

"We are the children of many sires, and every drop of blood in us in its turn ... betrays its ancestor." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

Maya Angelou in Her Own Words
See also: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Maya_Angelou

* “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Interview for Beautifully Said Magazine (2012)
* “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
* “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
* “I believe that each of us comes from the creator trailing wisps of glory.” – Interview with the Academy of Achievement (1990)
* “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”  – Excerpted from Letter to My Daughter, a book of essays (2009)
* “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” – Angelou’s Facebook (2011)
* “Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.” – Letter to My Daughter, a book of essays (2009)
* “I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.” – Interview with Oprah for Angelou’s 70th birthday (2000)
* “We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.” – The Art of Fiction No. 119, the Paris Review
* “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.”
* “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Angelou’s Facebook (Jan. 11, 2013)
* “Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.” – Date unknown
* “I believe that every person is born with a talent.” – Date unknown
* “One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.” – Interview in USA TODAY (March 5, 1988)
* “If you’re always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”
* "You are the sum total of everything you've ever seen, heard, eaten, smelled, been told, forgot - it's all there. Everything influences each of us, and because of that I try to make sure that my experiences are positive." - Interview from the April 2011 edition of O, the Oprah Magazine (2011)
* “Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God.”  – This was her final tweet, posted on 23 May 2014.

Genea-Musings -- April Fool?
Welcome to my genealogy blog. Genea-Musings features genealogy research tips and techniques, genealogy news items and commentary, genealogy humor, San Diego genealogy society news, family history research and some family history stories from the keyboard of Randy Seaver (of Chula Vista CA), who thinks that Genealogy Research Is really FUN! Copyright (c) Randall J. Seaver, 2006-2018.

From: https://www.geneamusings.com/2007/03/if-mary-april-married-claude-f...

There is no person named "April Fool" in any US Census - trust me, I looked. However, there are some people named FOOL or synonyms for FOOL, to wit - in the 1920 census there are:

1) 45 people with the surname FOOL
2) 3,757 people with the surname JESTER
3) 1,651 people with the surname MESS
4) 252 with the surname BOOB
5) 33 with the surname CLOWN
6) 101 people with the surname DUPE
7) 13 people with the surname CHUMP
8) 8 people with the surname BUFFOON
9) 9 people with the surname COMIC
10) 22 people with the surname JOKER
11) 95 people with the surname SUCKER
12) 1,301 people with the surname TRICK
13) 162 people with the surname FUN
14) 203 people with the surname FUNNY
15) 502 people with the surname APRIL
16) 220 people with the given name APRIL

Now for combinations of given and surnames:

Claud and Grace FOOL resided in Pocahontas County IA
Mary APRIL resided in Fairfield County CT
Booth JESTER resided in Johnston County OK
Nanny BOOB resided in Climax GA
Randall BOOB resided in Union County PA
Frank STUPID resided in New York County NY
Mary COMIC resided in Crooks County OR
Ernest DUPE resided in St. Martin Parish LA
DUPE Clodfelter resided in Davidson County NC
CHUMP Dennis resided in Butts County GA
William and Violette CHUMP resided in Shelby County TN
James and Mary BUFFOON resided in Worcester County MA
Arthur and Ednamae JOKER resided in Allen County IN
Wolf and Lottie SUCKER resided in Philadelphia County PA

I always wonder why people with surnames like these don't change their names to something more "acceptable" - either legally or unofficially. Of course, some of these words did not have the connotation that they have today.

Indexing the British 1881 Census

Interesting details discovered during the process of indexing the British 1881 Census. (Found in the Ensign magazine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, March 1996, p. 58.)

* The wife, mother, and daughter of James Christmas were all named Mary Christmas
* Frank Guest was listed as a visitor
* Harriet Goodhand was listed as a domestic servant
* The families of William Lovegrove, Henry Dearlove, and William Darling all lived on the same block in Oxfordshire
* A woman named Rose married Robert Garden
* Emma Boatwright married a seaman
* Mr. Thorn lived in Rose Cottage
* Robert Speed, a bus driver and post runner
* Robert Robb, a detective officer
* Phoebe Brain, a scholar
* One woman's birthplace was listed as "in stage coach between Nottingham and Derby"
* John Pounder, a blacksmith
* William Scales, a piano maker
* Herman Hamberger, born in Greece
* Curious occupations: dirt refiner, hoveller, moleskin saver, piano puncher, sparable cutter, spittle maker, tingle maker, and whim driver
* Twin four-year-olds named Peter the Great and William the Conqueror
* Brothers named Seaman and Landsman
* The occupation of three daughters was entered as "They toil not, neither do they spin"

Hope you chuckled a few times as you read through this list.

The Gift
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. 

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.  She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. 
 
A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. 
       
She says, 'Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' 

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. 
       
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 
       
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line.  It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.' 
       
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
     
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.   
 
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.  At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.  Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. 
       
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' 
       
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00?   How did you get $34.50?' 
       
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am.  The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

Hope you laughed when you got to the end!!!

IRS Audit

The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

* Number 10
: Life is sexually transmitted.
* Number 9: 
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* Number 8: 
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a sandwich… stand clear!
* Number 7: 
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
* Number 6
: Some people are like a Slinky...
 not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
* Number 5: 
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
* Number 4: 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
* Number 3
: Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
* Number 2: 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* And The Number 1 Thought: 
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; what you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

And as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; 
it doesn't last long."

Some Genealogists are like politicians. They like to change things.
Dick Ragland

Thoughts on Dying Verses Living…

First I was dying to finish my high school and start college
And then I was dying to finish college and start working
Then I was dying to marry and have children
To grow old enough
So I could go back to work
But then I was dying to retire
And now I am dying…
And suddenly I realized
I forgot to live.

Please don’t let this happen to you.
Appreciate your current situation
And enjoy each day
…Old friend

To make money we lose our health,
And then to restore our health we lose our money…
We live as if we are never going to die,
And we die as if we never lived…

The Family Tree

I think that I shall never see, the finish of a family tree,
as it forever seems to grow from roots that started long ago.
Way back in ancient history time,
in foreign land and distant clime.
From them grew trunk and branching limbs,
that dated back to time so dim.
One seldom knows exactly when,
the parents met and married then;
Nor when the twigs began to grow,
with odd-named children, row on row.
Though verse like this is made by me,
the end's insight, as you can see.
"Tis not the same with family trees,
that grow and grow through centuries.

Author unknown

Excellent!

Story of the Miracle Easter Bunny

Jimmy came home on the last day of the Easter term, and to his horror he found his German Shepherd, Rex, with next door neighbor’s bunny rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.

Greatly upset, Jimmy panicked thinking, 'If my neighbors find out that Rex killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever.' Jimmy quickly took the rather large bunny, and, placing it in a paper bag deposited it in the local incinerator tip. On his way home, Jimmy looked into Pets 'R Us and bought a rabbit which he gauged was just like the deceased. Back home, Jimmy took the 'new' rabbit and placed it in the open hutch in his neighbor’s garden.

Later that evening, Jimmy heard a knock on his front door and opening it he found his next door neighbors bearing the 'new' rabbit in their arms.

'Look,' squeaked his neighbor, 'Yesterday Billy was dead and we buried him 4 feet down in the garden. Today we come home and find that not only is he alive and well but he has grown several more teeth and also he has shrunk. It's a miracle.'

Story from A Former Blond Hairdresser!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman is driving down the highway. She sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible!” he explains. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,” Don’t worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,

Hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

And repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says…

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure???)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says:

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

OLD PERSON PRIDE

I never really liked the terminology "Old Person" but this makes me feel better about it. And if you aren't one, I bet ya you know one! I got this from an "Old Personal friend of mine"!
 
I'm passing this on, as I did not want to be the only old person receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.

* Old People are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old People remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.  They know the words and believe in them.

* Old People remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam.

* If you bump into an Old Person on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Person on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old People trust strangers and are courtly to women.

* Old People hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

* Old People get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

* Old People have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

* It's the Old People who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old People with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values. We need them now more than ever.


Thank God for Old People
 
Pass this on to all of the "Old People" you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

To Achieve your Dreams, Remember your ABC’s
By: Wanda Carter, St. Augustine, FL

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits
Believe in yourself.
Consider things from every angle.
Don’t give up, and don’t give in.
Enjoy life today; yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come.
Family and friends are hidden treasures. Seek them and enjoy their riches.
Give more than you planned to give.
Hang on to your dreams.
Ignore those who try to discourage you.
Just do it!
Keep on trying. No matter how hared it seems, it will get easier.
Love yourself first and most.
Make it happen.
Never lie, cheat or steal. Always strike a fair deal.
Open your eyes and see things as they really are.
Practice makes perfect.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit.
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.
Stop procrastinating.
Take control of your own destiny.
Understand yourself in order to better understand others.
Visualize it.
Want it more than anything.
Xccelerate your efforts.
You are unique of all of God’s creations. Nothing can replace you.
Zero in on your target and go for it!

Mother's Day is celebrated this month. Do you know how it came to be??? This is a little long, so I hope you will take the time to read it. It is interesting. I will include some humor related to mothers or being a mother over the next week or so.

History of Mother's Day

Contrary to popular belief, Mother's Day was not conceived in the boardroom of greeting card companies. The earliest tributes to mothers date back to the annual spring festival the Greeks dedicated to Rhea, the mother of many deities, and to the offerings ancient Romans made to their Great Mother of Gods, Cybele. Christians celebrated this festival on the fourth Sunday in Lent in honor of Mary, mother of Christ. In England this holiday was expanded to include all mothers and was called Mothering Sunday.

In the United States, Mother's Day started nearly 150 years ago, when Anna Marie Reeves Jarvis, an Appalachian homemaker, organized a day to raise awareness of poor health conditions in her community, a cause she believed would be best advocated by mothers. She called it "Mother's Work Day."

In 1905 when Anna Marie Reeves Jarvis died, her daughter, also named Anna, began a campaign to memorialize the life work of her mother. Legend has it that young Anna remembered a Sunday school lesson that her mother gave in which she said, "I hope and pray that someone, sometime, will found a memorial mother's day. There are many days for men, but none for mothers."

Miss Anna Jarvis founded the memorial we now know as Mother’s Day in tribute to her mother. The first fully organized Mother's Day program was held at the Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton, Taylor County, West Virginia, on May 10, 1908. The honored mother had already laid the foundation for such a day in the last fifty years of her life.

On May 10, 1908, the third anniversary of Mrs. Jarvis' death, fully-prepared programs were held at the Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton and in Philadelphia, launching the observance of a general memorial day for all mothers. The Grafton service was planned and prepared by Miss Jarvis. She sent a telegram, read by Mr. L. L. Loar, which defined the purpose of the day:
** "...To revive the dormant filial love and gratitude we owe to those who gave us birth. To be a home tie for the absent. To obliterate family estrangement. To create a bond of brotherhood through the wearing of a floral badge. To make us better children by getting us closer to the hearts of our good mothers. To brighten the lives of good mothers. To have them know we appreciate them, though we do not show it as often as we ought...
** This day is intended that we may make new resolutions for a more active thought to our dear mothers. By words, gifts, acts of affection, and in every way possible, give her pleasure, and make her heart glad every day, and constantly keep in memory Mother's Day; when you made this resolution, lest you forget and neglect your dear mother, if absent from home write her often, tell her of a few of her noble good qualities and how you love her."

On the occasion of the first official Mother's Day service on May 10, 1908, Miss Anna Jarvis sent 500 white carnations, chosen by herself, to the Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church, in Grafton, West Virginia. In a telegram to the congregation, Miss Jarvis stated that:
** "...Each one present will be given a white carnation; mothers will be given two, in memory of the day.
** These five hundred carnations are given by a loyal, loving daughter in honor and sacred memory of her good and faithful mother, Mrs. Ann M. Jarvis, who worked faithfully and earnestly for twenty long years, as an earnest teacher in our Sunday School, who only a few years ago departed to that better world to reap the reward of her labors here. 

Every one is asked to wear this flower.

The white carnation is preferred because it may be thought to typify some of the virtues of motherhood; whiteness stands for purity; its lasting qualities, faithfulness; its fragrance, love; its wide field of growth, charity; its form, beauty..."

The following year she sent 700 carnations for the same purpose, and over the years, sent over 10,000 carnations as personal gifts to the Andrews Church. Carnations - red for living and white for deceased - are now worn worldwide as emblems of the purity, strength and endurance of motherhood.

Governor William E. Glasscock of West Virginia issued the first Mother’s Day proclamation on April 26, 1910. In May 1914, Representative Heflin of Alabama and Senator Sheppard of Texas introduced a joint resolution, at the request of Miss Jarvis, naming the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day, and the resolution was passed in both Houses. President Woodrow Wilson approved it, and William Jennings Bryan, Secretary of State, proclaimed it. In the President's proclamation that followed, he ordered that the flag be displayed on all government buildings in the U.S. and foreign possessions. Later Mr. Heflin, co-author of the resolution said: "The flag was never used in a more beautiful and sacred cause than when flying above that tender, gentle army, the mothers of America."

The second Sunday of May has become the most popular day of the year to dine out in the United States. Telephone lines record their highest traffic, as sons and daughters everywhere take advantage of this day to honor and to express appreciation of their mothers.

Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers, both those still with us and those who have departed this world.

Mom's Phone

Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them. 


"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"

Kids always have a very unique view. Here are some on Mothers. Hope you chuckle as you read these.

Mothers
~ Shared by Robyn, Australia ~ 

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
** 1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
** 2.  Mostly to clean the house.
** 3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
** 1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
** 2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
** 3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
** 1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
** 2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
** 1.  We're related.
** 2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
** 1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
** 2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
** 3.  They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
** 1.  His last name.
** 2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?
** 3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
** 1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot.
** 2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.
** 3.  My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
** 1.  Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
** 2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.
** 3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
** 1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
** 2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
** 3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
** 4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
** 1.  Mothers don't do spare time.
** 2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
** 1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
** 2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
** 1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.
** 2.  I'd make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
** 3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Momisms — Mom’s favorite comments/threats (Part 1)

1. Why? Because I said so, that’s why!
2. I’m going to give you until the count of three!
3. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
4. ‘I don’t know’ is NOT an answer!!!
5. I would never have talked to my mother like that.
6. I’m not running a taxi service.
7. If everyone jumped off a cliff (or bridge) would you do it too?
8. Someday your face will freeze like that.
9. Your face is going to freeze like that
10. It hurts me more than it hurts you.

11.Bob, Sue, Joe, Fido, whatever your name is...
12. Eat your vegetables.
13. Beds are for sleeping in, not jumping on.
14. No one said life is fair.
15. Your hands are not broken.
16. Wait until your father gets home.
17. I don’t care who started it.
18. What part of “No” don’t you understand.
19. Go to your room.
20. I don’t care what everyone else is doing.

21. You need to get more sleep.
22. We are not the Rockerfellers!
23. Stop trying to keep up with the Jones.
24. Better safe than sorry.
25. We’ll see.
26. See what I mean jellybean.
27. Get your homework done.
28. Have fun...but be careful.
29. Don’t talk with your mouth full.
30. Clean up your room, it looks like a tornado hit it!!!

How many do you remember saying or hearing??? I will list 31 more in a day or so...

Momisms — Mom’s favorite comments/threats (Part 2)

31. Do you think I was born yesterday?
32. Money doesn’t grow on trees!
33. Look at me when I’m talking to you!
34. Don’t use that tone with me.
35. Don’t make me come in there.
36. I’m coming in there right now!!!
37. Don’t make me come in there again!!!
38. Who do you think you are?
39. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. (And some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.)
40. No running in the house.

41. You’ll do as I say.
42. You’ll poke your eye out.
43. You’re grounded.
44. Nothing’s broken. You’re fine.
45. I’m NOT going to ask you again!!!
46. Don’t look at me with those eyes.
47. If you want to act like a child, I’ll treat you like one.
48. Quiet down, I can’t even hear myself think.
49. One day you’ll thank me.
50. As long as you’re under my roof, you live by my rules.

51. G-d gave you a brain, use it!
52. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
53. Oh, Jen’s mom lets her do (such & such)? Then go live with Jen’s mom... I’ll help you pack.
54. Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.
55. Someone better be bleeding.
56. Where are your manners--were you raised by wolves?
57. I’m not asking, I’m telling.
58. When you have kids, I hope they’re just like you.
59. Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.
60. You better wipe that look off your face.
61. Shut the door. Were you born in a barn?

Happy Mother's Day

Remember the Critical Life Lessons Your Mother Taught You

1. Logic: "Because I said so, that's why!"
2. Stamina: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"
3. Envy: "There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
4. Hypocrisy: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate!"
5. Irony: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!"
6. Weather: "It looks like a tornado went through your room!"
7. Behavior Modification: "Stop acting like your father!"
8. Physics: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
9. Contortionism: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. Science of Osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
11. Foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident!"
12. Time Travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week!"
13. Religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet!"
14. A Job Well Done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!"
15. The Circle of Life: "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"

This One Is For Grandmothers!

Grandmothers are mothers who are grand,
Restoring the sense that our most precious things
Are those that do not change much over time.
No love of childhood is more sublime,
Demanding little, giving on demand,
More inclined than most to grant the wings
On which we fly off to enchanted lands.
Though grandmothers must serve as second mothers,
Helping out with young and restless hearts
Each has all the patience wisdom brings,
Remembering our passions more than others,
Soothing us with old and well-honed arts.

By: Nicholas Gordon

Happy Mother's Day. May you all be blessed & have a great day!

Before I Was Myself, You Made Me, Me
By Nicholas Gordon

Before I was myself you made me, me
With love and patience, discipline and tears,
Then bit-by-bit stepped back to set me free,
Allowing me to sail upon my sea,
Though well within the headlands of your fears.

Before I was myself you made me, me
With dreams enough of what I was to be
And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,
Then bit-by-bit stepped back to set me free,
Relinquishing your powers gradually
To let me shape myself among my peers.

Before I was myself you made me, me,
And being good and wise, you gracefully
As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears
Bit by bit stepped back to set me free.

For love inspires learning naturally:
The mind assents to what the heart reveres.
And so it was through love you made me, me
By slowly stepping back to set me free.

Another list of Interesting factoids

WHISKEY SHOT - A cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey.

BUYING THE FARM - This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors.

IRON CLAD CONTRACT - This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.

RIFF RAFF - The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.

COBWEB - The Old English word for “spider" was "cob".

SHIP STATE ROOMS - Travelling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.

SLEEP TIGHT- Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a crisscross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep.

SHOWBOAT - These were floating theatres built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small towns along the Mississippi River . Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating".

OVER A BARREL - In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.

BARGE IN - Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in".

HOGWASH - Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash".

CURFEW - The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu" which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies, homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the centre of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called a “curfew".

BARRELS OF OIL - When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

HOT OFF THE PRESS - As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information.

Don't you feel smarter now? How many of these did you know???

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

* In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
* Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
* The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
* Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
* Coca-Cola was originally green.
*  It is impossible to lick your elbow. (At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!)
* The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
* The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
** The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
* The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
* The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
*  Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
* The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
* The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
*  Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
** Spades - King David
** Hearts - Charlemagne
** Clubs -Alexander, the Great
** Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
(When I used a calculator I got 1.2E16... when I multiplied 111,111,111 X 11,111,111 = 1234567887654321 (missing the 9). Looks like you may need to do it with pen & paper if you want to verify this one, unless you have a calculator that goes out farther!)
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In the year 2011 we experienced 4 unusual dates: 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11...
 
NOW go figure this out... Take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you were in 2011 and it WILL EQUAL TO 111.
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 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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 Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

I thought the 'rule of thumb' was especially interesting.

A Scene in Heaven

One day Jesus' secretary came into his office and said, "Sir, you should take some time off from all of your work. Get out and meet your people here. Have a good time."

Jesus thought a moment and decided to do just that. So he saved all his work on his Super Computer, shut it down, and went outside.

He had a great time as he walked down the golden streets, shaking hands and signing autographs, but along the way He heard the sound of rip, saw, rip, saw, and noticed sawdust coming from a window of a little shop on a side street. He walked down to the shop and went inside. There He found a bearded carpenter working so hard he was sweating, and the drops of perspiration were running down his face, and mixing with the sawdust.

In his rich melodious voice, Jesus said, "Sir, why are you laboring so hard? You should rest and enjoy yourself."

The old man said to Jesus, "Oh, no, please let me continue. You see, I had a son on Earth whose birth was a miracle. My son knew I was a carpenter, and my eyesight being what it is, I thought if he heard me working he would 'find' me."

Jesus stared at the man, and his eyes started to mist. The man stared at Jesus, quizzically.

Jesus said, "Father...?"

The old man said... "Pinocchio?"