Genealogy Humor

A Cat's Heaven!

A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat settles down onto it and falls asleep purring.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our life we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. They wheel away, delighted.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier, and those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great."

WHAT DOES A FATHER DO?
Erma Bombeck, Field Enterprises


I received a letter from a single mother who had raised a son who was about to become a dad. Since he had no recollection of his own father, her question to me was "What do I tell him a father does?"


When my dad died in my ninth year, I, too, was raised by my mother, giving rise to the same question, "What do fathers do?" As far as I could observe, they brought around the car when it rained so everyone else could stay dry.


They always took the family pictures, which is why they were never in them. They carved turkeys on Thanksgiving, kept the car gassed up, weren't afraid to go into the basement, mowed the lawn, and tightened the clothesline to keep it from sagging


It wasn't until my husband and I had children that I was able to observe firsthand what a father contributed to a child's life. What did he do to deserve his children's respect? He rarely fed them, did anything about their sagging diapers, wiped their noses or fannies, played ball, or bonded with them under the hoods of their cars.


What did he do?

He threw them higher than his head until they were weak from laughter. He cast the deciding vote on the puppy debate. He listened more than he talked. He let them make mistakes. He allowed them to fall from their first two-wheeler without having a heart attack. He read a newspaper while they were trying to parallel park a car for the first time in preparation for their driving test.


If I had to tell someone's son what a father really does that is important, it would be that he shows up for the job in good times and bad times. He's a man who is constantly being observed by his children. They learn from him how to handle adversity, anger, disappointment and success.


He won't laugh at their dreams no matter how impossible they might seem. He will dig out at 1 a.m. when one of his children runs out of gas. He will make unpopular decisions and stand by them. When he is wrong and makes a mistake, he will admit it. He sets the tone for how family members treat one another, members of the opposite sex and people who are different than they are. By example, he can instill a desire to give something back to the community when its needs are greater than theirs.


But mostly, a good father involves himself in his kids' lives. The more responsibility he has for a child, the harder it is to walk out of his life. A father has the potential to be a powerful force in the life of a child. Grab it! Maybe you'll get a greeting card for your efforts. Maybe not. But it's steady work.

History of Father's Day

The first Father's Day was observed in Spokane, Washington, in 1910. Sonora Louise Smart Dodd, of Washington, first proposed the idea of a "father's day" in 1909. Mrs. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart, who was widowed when his wife died in childbirth with their sixth child. Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself.

Mrs. Dodd wanted Father's Day to be celebrated on the first Sunday in June, her father's birthday. However, the Spokane council couldn't get the resolution through the first reading until the third Sunday in June. Over the next decade, cities across America began celebrating a day for fathers and in 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father's Day. It wasn't until 1966 that President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. This came almost sixty years after Mother's Day had been proclaimed a National day of observance.

The white or red rose is the official flower for Father's Day. Mrs. Dodd suggested that people wear a white rose to honor a father who was deceased and a red rose for a father who was living.

See this site for more history about Father’s Day: http://www.fathersdaycelebration.com/story-of-fathers-day.html

25 Pearls of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a high price for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23.Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Kids and Clichés

I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

1. The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
2. A rolling stone plays the guitar.
3. The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
4. A bird in the hand is a real mess.
5. No news is no newspaper.
6. It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
7. It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
8. You have nothing to fear but homework.
9. If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
10. If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
11. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
12. A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
13. The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
14. We have nothing to fear but our principal.
15. To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
16. I think, therefore I get a headache.
17. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"
18. Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
19. It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
20. Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
22. There is nothing new under the bed.
23. The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
24. Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

I don't know if I have posted this before or not, but It is well worth reading again. This is one time that I hope you can’t identify with these, but can chuckle when thinking someone else might!

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice!!!!!!!!!!!

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'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN......
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

How the times have changed!!!

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Kids will be kids but they are not being allowed to be kids ... How stupid we have become!!

Scenario: 
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

* 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
* 2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario : 
 Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

* 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
* 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: 
 Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

* 1957 
- Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
* 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

* 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
* 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario : 
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

* 1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
*2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: 
Pedro fails high school English.
* 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
* 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: 
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

* 1957 - Ants die.
* 2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: 
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

* 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
* 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This should hit every e-mail to show how stupid we have become! And if we do not wake up and take our country back - WE will not have a country, nor a society to grow old in or for our children to grow up in.

Think about it!

At the Supermarket…

At the supermarket, I overheard two women talking in the next aisle. "Horace and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what he likes even if it is more expensive." 



"Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her friend replied. 



I turned into their aisle. Both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality cat food.

What’s in the Box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people!!!
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I hope you laughed when you got to the end, or at least chuckled!!! Pat

Wow got photo that so funny for Genealogy humor no place for it lol.

Billie

Billie June Keaffaber,
There is a place for humorous photos... It is full of humorous cartoons and other photos that will result in some chuckles or laughs... Most are genealogy related... a few that are holiday related...

Go to: * https://www.geni.com/projects/Picture-Board-for-Genealogy-Humor-Dis... Picture Bd for Geni Humor Discussion
*** This site is a good place to put those genealogy related cartoons or other related pix for the Genealogy humor discussion. Click on “Photos & Documents” to get to “Photos & Documents for Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion”

Patrica,
Here some real funny genealogy Humor for ya and Archeology lol.

https://www.geni.com/photo/view?photo_id=6000000103025536859

Hehehehe lol.

Billie

Billie June Keaffaber, for some reason the site you listed wouldn't let me in, However, when I went to the site in my message, I could get in & saw the photo/cartoon you posted. I did chuckle when I saw it!!!!

I think you have to use this site to bring it to the attention of others: https://www.geni.com/projects/Picture-Board-for-Genealogy-Humor-Dis... Picture Bd for Geni Humor Discussion if you post a picture there, (then clicking on "Photo / Document..." to see the pix posted.)

I click on the photos so they are a little larger, (my eye sight is not what it once was!).

Did you check out some of the other photos there???

https://www.geni.com/projects/Picture-Board-for-Genealogy-Humor-Dis...

Even the site I just posted didn't work... so anyone wanting to take a break from working on family trees or you are seeing double or any other brain challenges, take a break and go to this site... click on "Photos & Documents" and indulge in some genealogy humorous cartoons. There are a lot of them!!!

Patrica,
Yes I checked few out I thought one I found was funny. Unfortunately do to illness life and other junk can’t do much on genealogy just been adding few things here there on Geni to help out. I hope to get back soon. Just needed a laugh here.

Billie

Billie June Keaffaber,
Hope you get to feeling better soon!!! Glad you found a few of the photos that resulted in a chuckle.

Inspiring Thoughts

1. Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.

2. Never allow yourself to be so desperate that you end up settling for far less than what you deserve.

3. Don’t worry about those who talk behind your back, they’re behind you for a reason.

4. When someone loves you, they don’t have to say it. You can tell by the way they treat you.

5. Love the people God gave you because He will need them back one day.

6. A Woman is like a tea bag —You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

7. A successful Woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her.

8. Be with those that bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.

9. A Real Man never hurts a woman. Be very careful when you make a woman cry, because God count her tears. The Woman came out of a man’s rib, Not from his feet to be walked on, and Not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal, under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.

10. Be thankful for the bad things in life. For they open your eyes to the good things you weren’t paying attention to before.

11. Yesterday is History… Tomorrow is a Mystery… Today is a Gift, that’s why we call it the Present.

12. I’ve learned… that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

13. Be selective with who you surround yourself with… when was the last time you saw an Eagle flying with Pigeons?

14. Sometimes you have to Shut up, swallow your pride and accept that you’re wrong. It’s Not Giving up, It’s Growing up.

15. I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that HE didn’t trust me so much.

16. Sometimes you have to stop worrying and just have faith that things will work out. Maybe not how you planned, but just how they’re supposed to.

17. Do you remember the things you were worrying about a year ago? How did they work out? Didn’t you waste a lot of fruitless energy on account of most of them? Didn’t most of them turn out all right after all?

18. Worry is the Darkroom in which negatives are developed.

19. Sometimes people with the worst pasts end up creating the best futures.

20. Choices, Chances, Changes —You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

21. “It’s better to walk alone, than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.” (Diane Grant)

22. It’s okay to make mistakes. Remember, life didn’t come with instructions.

23. “As for worrying about what other people might think—FORGET IT. They aren’t concerned about you. They’re too busy worrying about what you and other people think of them.” (Michael Le Boeuf)

24. If “Plan A” didn’t work, remember, the alphabet has 25 more letters!

25. “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.” (Erma Bombeck)

Ode to Thanksgiving

To our national birds

The American Eagle

The Thanksgiving Turkey

May one give us peace in all our states

And the other a piece for all our plates

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The Turkey Popped Out of the Oven



The Turkey popped out of the oven and rocketed in to the air;
It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there had never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn't a way I could stop it; that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scraped with displeasure and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I would never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

written by Jack Prelutsky

Have a safe & Happy Thanksgiving.

Christmas is rapidly approaching, so hear is Christmas carol chuckle.

Christmas Carol (A true story)

I recently got out the boxes of Christmas decorations and I told the children (ages 10, 8 and 5) that they could start setting them out. They were very excited and each got to pick out favorite ornaments or figurines. Maria, the youngest, wanted to set up the Nativity scene and happily set to her task. As she concentrated on carefully unwrapping Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, I overhead Maria singing this: 



"Angels We Have Heard Online".....

Christmas Limerick Laughs

Gift wrapping I don’t understand.
Nothing turns out the way that I planned.
The paper looks bunched.
The ribbon’s all scrunched.
Perhaps I just need a third hand.
---Bette Killion

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It’s becoming abundantly clear

That the deadline for Christmas is near.

Anxiety grows

As he’s still tying bows.

He’ll give smaller presents next year.
—Timothy Cannon, Osceola, Iowa

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Thought shopping was the worst of my woes.

Now I’m fumbling with ribbons and bows!

I groan and I sigh

These wrappings to tie

I’m tangled from mustache to toes!
—Marlene B. Larson, Larimore, North Dakota

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When told by the clerk at the store,

“Wrapping is five dollars more.”

This frugal old elf

Said, “I’ll do it myself!”

Now this chore has him sore to the core.
---Ben Griffin, Weleetka, Oklahoma

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He tried to be quiet as a mouse

While wrapping the gift for his spouse.

But ribbons and bows

Got wrapped ’round his clothes,

And paper all over the house.
—H. Earl Martin, Laurens, South Carolina

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The holiday season is bright

But not for this fellow tonight.

He’s sitting there trapped,

Trying to get this gift wrapped.

What an awkward and frustrating sight.
—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan

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Those who have children/grandchildren, you may find this esp. interesting! It is another example of how kids look at their world. Hope you laugh or chuckle when you get to the end.

You Better Be Good

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.

Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.

“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”

Santa’s Bad Day & the Birth of a Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The Colors of Christmas
http://www.whychristmas.com/customs/25th.shtml

There are several colors, which are traditionally associated with Christmas. This site uses Red, Green and Gold. But why do we have them and what do the colors represent?
* Most the colors and their meanings come from the western/northern European traditions and customs, when Christmas is in the middle of winter and it's dark and cold.

Green
* Evergreen plants, like Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe have been used for thousands of years to decorate and brighten up buildings during the long dark winter. They also reminded people that spring would come and that winter wouldn't last forever!
* The Romans would exchange evergreen branches during January as a sign of good luck. The ancient Egyptians used to bring palm branches into their houses during the mid winter festivals.
* In many parts of Europe during the middle ages, Paradise plays were performed, often on Christmas Eve. They told Bible stories to people who couldn't read. The 'Paradise Tree' in the Garden of Eden in the play was normally a pine tree with red apples tied to it.
* Now the most common use of green at Christmas are Christmas Trees.

Red
* As mentioned above, an early use of red at Christmas were the apples on the paradise tree. They represented the fall of Adam in the plays.
* Red is also the color of Holly berries, which is said to represent the blood of Jesus when he died on the cross.
* Red is also the color of Bishops robes. These would have been worn by St. Nicholas and then also became Santa's uniform!

Gold
* Gold is the color of the Sun and light - both very important in the dark winter. And both red and gold are the colors of fire that you need to keep you warm.
* Gold was also one of the presents brought to the baby Jesus by one of the wise men and traditionally it's the color used to show the star that the wise men followed.
* Silver is sometimes used instead of (or with) gold. But gold is a 'warmer' color.

White
* White is often associated with purity and peace in western cultures. The snow of winter is also very white!
* White paper wafers were also sometimes used to decorate paradise trees. The wafers represented the bread eaten during Christian Communion or Mass, when Christians remember that Jesus died for them.
* White is used by most churches as the color of Christmas, when the altar is covered with a white cloth (in the Russian Orthodox Church Gold is used for Christmas).

Blue
* The color blue is often associated with Mary, the mother of Jesus. In medieval times blue dye and paint was more expensive than gold! So it would only be worn by Royal families and very rich people. Mary was often painted wearing blue to show she was very important.
* Blue can also represent the color of the sky and heaven.
* During Advent, purple and sometimes blue is used in most churches for the colour of the altar cloth (in the Russian Orthodox Church red is used for advent).

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby.

I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.

God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, He blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.

My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old.

I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, "If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs.

I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him.

I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two-dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.

I tried to be understanding... when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.

When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.

In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother - I didn't even come close... I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.

I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.

Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant.

My daughter was playing Mary; two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.

My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes."

But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."

My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."

A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.

I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama."

Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."

The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation.

"I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes.

"For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur."

"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.
Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
Had no army, yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!

I related to Gross Soup lol. I just had too I couldn’t help myself hehehehe he he.

Soupharus Gross

Billie

Many of you may give or receive Poinsettias at this time of year. Here is some info you may or may not know about them. Happy Holidays to all of you who follow this discussion.

Poinsettias at Christmas
http://www.whychristmas.com/customs/poinsettia.shtml

Poinsettia plants are native to Central America, especially an area of southern Mexico known as 'Taxco del Alarcon' where they flower during the winter. The ancient Aztecs called them 'cuetlaxochitl'. The Aztecs had many uses for them including using the flowers (actually special types of leaves known as bracts rather than being flowers) to make a purple dye for clothes and cosmetics and the milky white sap was made into a medicine to treat fevers. (Today we call the sap latex!)

The poinsettia was made widely known because of a man called Joel Roberts Poinsett (that's why we call them Poinsettia!). He was the first Ambassador from the USA to Mexico in 1825. Poinsett had some greenhouses on his plantations in South Carolina, and while visiting the Taco area in 1828, he became very interested in the plants. He immediately sent some of the plants back to South Carolina, where he began growing the plants and sending them to friends and botanical gardens.

One of the friends he sent plants to was John Barroom of Philadelphia, who gave the plant to his friend, Robert Buist, a plants-man from Pennsylvania. Robert Buist was probably the first person to have sold the poinsettias under their botanical, or Latin name, name 'Euphorbia pulcherrima' (it means, 'the most beautiful Euphorbia'). It is thought that they became known as Poinsettia in the mid 1830's when people found out who had first brought them to America from Mexico.

There is an old Mexican legend about how Poinsettia's and Christmas come together, it goes like this:
There was once a poor Mexican girl called Pepita who had no present to give the baby Jesus at the Christmas Eve Services. As Pepita walked to the chapel, sadly, her cousin Pedro tried to cheer her up. 'Pepita, he said "I'm sure that even the smallest gift, given by someone who loves him will make Jesus Happy."

Pepita didn't know what she could give, so she picked a small handful of weeds from the roadside and made them into a a small bouquet. She felt embarrassed because she could only give this small present to Jesus. As she walked through the chapel to the altar, she remembered what Pedro had said. She began to feel better, knelt down and put the bouquet at the bottom of the nativity scene. Suddenly, the bouquet of weeds burst into bright red flowers, and everyone who saw them were sure they had seen a miracle. From that day on, the bright red flowers were known as the 'Flores de Noche Buena', or 'Flowers of the Holy Night'.

The shape of the poinsettia flower and leaves are sometimes thought as a symbol of the Star of Bethlehem, which led the Wise Men to Jesus. The red colored leaves symbolize the blood of Christ. The white leaves represent his purity.

The Poinsettia is also the national emblem of Madagascar.

These sites have how to care for it as well as some other info:
• http://www.todayshomeowner.com/how-to-grow-poinsettias-year-round/
• http://www.bachmans.com/divHomePage.ep?currentNodeBean=PlantCare&am...
• http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-10-13/classified/ct-sun-gar...

A Dieter's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!

Children's Funny Ideas About Angels

By Kelvin Bowler a Primary Schoolteacher

* When it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6
* Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7
* Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8
* I hear funny angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8
* My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8
* Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8
* All angels are girls because they've got to wear dresses and boys don't go for it. Antonia, 9
* Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
* Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9
* It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
* My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9
* When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

Many of you may be "Crafty" or enjoy making gifts for others. Here is something you may enjoy. They are truly beautiful & such a variety. This site shows the symbols for each of the symbols.

Chrismons and Chrismon Patterns
http://www.whychristmas.com/customs/chrismons.shtml

Chrismons are Christmas decorations with Christian symbols on them. They help Christians to remember that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus's birthday. They are often used on Christmas Trees in Churches and Christians homes.

They were first made by Frances Kipps Spencer at the Ascension Lutheran Church in Danville, Virginia, USA. She also thought of the word, Chrismon, which is a combination of Christ and monogram (meaning symbol). The idea quickly spread to other churches. It is traditional that Christian groups can make their own Chrismons with their favourite symbols on.

Each year a 20ft (6 metre) Christmas Tree is decorated in the Ascension Lutheran
Church, as Mrs Spencer intended, and visitors come and the hear the story of Jesus explained through her original Chrismons and a few gifts from around the world.

Chrismons are traditionally colored white and gold. White is the liturgical (or Church) color for Christmas and symbolizes that Jesus was pure and perfect. Gold symbolizes His Majesty and Glory. Chrismons can be made from nearly anything, but paper and embroidered ones are the most widely used.

Below are some symbols that are common Chrismons and what they represent to Christians.

* The Cross symbolizes that Christians believe Jesus Christ died for everyone on a Cross.
* The Latin Cross, also sometimes called the Roman Cross. The base of the Cross has three steps that symbolize faith, hope, and love.
* The Irish or Celtic Cross is a normal cross with a circle in the middle to symbolize eternity.
* The Triumphant Cross represents the earth with the cross on top. It symbolizes Jesus is triumphant over anything we can face in the world.
* The Jerusalem Cross was worn by the crusaders going to Jerusalem, in the middle ages. It can symbolizes the Four Gospels in the Bible, the spread of the Gospel to the four corners of the earth or the five wounds of Jesus when he died on the cross.
* The Eastern Cross is used by many Eastern or Orthodox Churches.
* The Furca or Upsilon Cross comes from the Greek letter Y. It is also called The Thieves' Cross from the two robbers who were crucified on each side of Jesus. It also symbolizes the choice between good and evil.
* The Anchor Cross reminds Christian's that Jesus is the anchor of their faith.
* The Fish is one of the oldest Christian symbols. The letters, from the Greek word for fish (ichthus), stand for Jesus (I), Christ (X), God (Q), Son (Y), Savior (S). Some of Jesus' disciples were fishermen.
* Alpha and Omega are the first and the last letters of the Greek alphabet. Used together, they are the symbolize that Christians believe Jesus is the beginning and end of all things.
* The Chi-Rho looks like a 'P' with an 'X' on top of it. These two letters are the first two letters of the Greek word 'Christos' which means Christ.
* The Star of David, sometimes called the Star of Creation, is a symbol that Jesus was a Jew and a descendant of King David.
* A Five Pointed Star represents the five wounds of Jesus on the cross.
* The Nativity Star is the symbol of the Star of Bethlehem or Epiphany, when the Wisemen visited Jesus.
* An Eight Pointed Star represents baptism and regeneration.
* The Crown is the symbol that Jesus in King. It shows that Christians believe Jesus is ruler over heaven and the earth.
* The Shepherd's Crook or Staff remembers that Jesus sometimes called himself a shepherd. It can also represent the shepherds who were the first people told about the birth of Jesus.
* Both of these symbols represent the Christian 'Trinity' of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The Triquerta is made of three loops making a triangle representing the three parts of the trinity. The Trefoil (at the bottom) is three equal circles intertwined to form a whole.
* Hands in Prayer help Christians remember that they should pray to God.
* The Scroll represents the Bible.
* The Dove is the symbol of peace and the Holy Spirit. It is shown pointing down to represent the Holy Spirit that appeared as a Dove when Jesus was baptized.
* The Lamp and The Candle both represents that Christians believe Jesus in the Light of the World.
* The Shell is a symbol for baptism. It reminds Christians of the water that they are baptized in. It is also a sign of Pilgrimage, as Pilgrims to the Holy Land (Israel) would use a shell as a drinking vessel.
* The Keys are a symbol for the Church in all the world. Jesus told his friend Peter that "I will give you keys to heaven", so this means that Christians have to tell other people about Jesus.
* The Ship is also a symbol of the Church, sailing towards heaven.
* The Cup or Chalice is a symbol of the Mass, Eucharist or Communion. It also represents God's forgiveness.
* The Angel reminds Christians of the angels who told the shepherds about the birth of Jesus. It can also represent the second coming of Jesus, which the bible says will start with an Angel blowing a trumpet.
* The Lamb is a symbol for Jesus who is sometimes called 'The Lamb of God'.
* The Butterfly is a symbol for transformation and the immortal soul.
* The Heart is a symbol of love and reminds Christians that God is love.
* The Lion is a symbol for Jesus who is sometimes called 'The Lion of Judah'. Jesus is also represented as Aslan the Lion in the Chronicle of Narnia books by C S Lewis.
* The White Rose is a symbol for purity and can represent Mary.

* See this site for some books for creating these: https://www.etsy.com/shop/Chrismons
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnSpFczjWy4 YouTube - history — this one is well worth the time to watch (4:50 min).

This is an interesting FYI if you enjoy eating at fast food places. It may or may not change your eating habits...

"Shady things revealed about fast food in the past decade..."

https://www.mashed.com/181010/shady-things-revealed-about-fast-food...