Genealogy Humor

No wonder I like Norm's jokes so much - I forgot that he is my third cousin's husband's aunt's husband's fourth cousin's husband!

What sort of comments would you make about the world around us now??? -

- you have to buy your dog and cat food in a "specialty" store
- the dogs haircut costs more than mine

-I don't remember the last time I went to the supermarket or drugstore. I shop on-line and get it delivered!

-I have my Masters Degree from the University of Phoenix, and I live in New York. I never went to Phoenix to go to class.

This is from Michael on hiatus? What does he come up with when he is "active" ??!!!!

@Michael McCann on hiatus - sorry to hear about your father - went through it with my mother the last few years. Humor helps.. Nephews are the best, even when they are 21!

Heeeey Elise...you're related to my Rosie she's about 18 relatives away from you... via The New York Contingent...most of mine left N.Y. in the 1930's...for the streets of gold in Hollywood!

Speaking of Dogs...
More "Buck the Vunderkind"...

Whenever any man would enter the house Buck would stop them and growl at them until they bent down...then he would carefully take their hat off their heads and carry it around the house until he deposited it on the couch!

Buck would watch as Rosie was changing our Grandkids diapers...he would then pick up the wet ones and deposit them in the trash can (Never the brown ones).

Buck loved corn on the cob...I would hold the cob and he would eat from right to left as I turned the cob.

Buck saw a few of us dancing the Conga in a line around our family room one evening...he jumped up on his hind legs with his front feet on my waist and jumped up & down with us as we went around. After that every time he heard the stereo on he wanted to dance.

Rose wasn't feeling well and was having trouble walking up the stairs...She said Buck ran over to her and walked up stair by stair as she held on to his collar....

Our current dog Lucy has her own quirks...she's a very fussy eater.
Rose puts 3 kinds of food on Lucy's plate...Dry...Wet...and Whatever we're having. Lucy won't eat until she's sure we're done and she watches as some people food is transferred to her plate. She also won't eat if any of the food is touching. It has to be separated. If it's not done she would sit there for 3 days without touching it.

Lucy Speaks! She literally walks over to you and proceeds to talk until you figure out what she wants. If she's too loud ...you say indoor voice and she whispers. Between her staring intensely and constantly speaking...she always gets what she wants.

If our grandson says he's coming over at 6....Lucy walks to the door at 6 and waits for him???

Lucy's Haircuts are $80........we go to Supercuts!

The last time we left town for a week Rosie put Lucy in a Doggie Hotel with a private room. special diet and her own TV!

Yeah it's a real Dogs Life!!!!

Michael, I loved the story about Common Sense. It may have been intended as humor, but there is sooooooo much truth to it!!! Too bad it couldn't be "reported" on one or all of the News programs. I wonder how many would listen and really hear what it was saying??? I plan to send it to those on my email list.

Thanks for your contribution.

Humor does help some in dealing with some of the challenges we have in our life. Remember: Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But you can't have a rainbow, without a little rain. Also, when God pushes you to the edge, trust Him fully, because only two things can happen. Either He will catch you when you fall or He will teach you how to fly. (Don't know if you need encouragement to deal with things in your life or not. If yes, then hope these help, if not, maybe they will help someone else.) Smile and others will smile with you, laugh and they will wonder what drugs you are on!

Have a great day to all who read this discussion.
Hugs,
Pat

Angels be with you.

Don't remember where I got this, but I also grew up in Gibson City, IL. Don't really remember the flour sacks as I was just a youngin' then & didn't pay that much attention to things like this... (ps) Do you remember the pretty flour sacks???

Right after I came home from the Army after WW2 in 1945, I went to work for my father in the Corn Belt Mills in my hometown, Gibson City, Illinois. We made farm animal feeds. Part of the ingredients was flour. These emptied flour sacks were bought or given in most cases to needy people. The sacks were very good cotton and had every pattern you could think of. This article is so true and I can verify this.

Some of you are way too young to know about the FLOUR SACKS, but some of you will remember. I hope ALL of you will enjoy reading this very well written article.

THE FLOUR SACK

BY COLLEEN B. HUBERT

In that long ago time when things were saved,
When roads were graveled and barrels were staved,
When worn-out clothing was used as rags,
And there were no plastic wrap or bags,
And the well and the pump were way out back,
A versatile item was the flour sack.

Pillsbury’s Best, Mother’s and Gold Medal, too
Stamped their names proudly in purple and blue.

The string sewn on top was pulled and kept;
The flour emptied and spills were swept.
The bas was folded and stored in a sack
That durable, practical flour sack.

The sack could be filled with feathers and down,
For a pillow, or t’would make a nice sleeping gown.
It could carry a book and be a school bag,
Or become a mail sack slung over a nag.
It made a very convenient pack,
That adaptable, cotton flour sack.

Bleached and sewn, it was dutifully worn
As bibs, diapers, or kerchief adorned.
It was made into skirts, blouses and slips.
And Mom braided rugs from one hundred strips
She made ruffled curtains for the house or shack,
From that humble but treasured flour sack!

As a strainer for milk or apple juice,
To wave men in, it was a very good use,
As a sling for a sprained wrist or a break,
To help mother roll up a jelly cake,
As a window shade or to stuff a crack,
We used a sturdy, common flour sack!

As dish towels, embroidered or not,
They covered up dough, helped pass pans so hot,
Tied up dishes for neighbors in need,
And for men out in the field to seed.
They dried dishes from pan, not rack
That absorbent, handy flour sack!

We polished and cleaned stove and table,
Scoured and scrubbed from cellar to gable,
We dusted the bureau and oak bed post,
Made costumes for October (a scary ghost)
And a parachute for a cat named Jack.
From that lowly, useful old flour sack!

So now my friends, when they ask you
As curious youngsters often do,
Before plastic wrap, Elmer’s Glue
And paper towels, what did you do?’
Tell them loudly and with pride don’t lack,
‘Grandmother had that wonderful flour sack!’

O.K. I'm apologizing ahead of time...this is quite possibly politically incorrect...but remember "I'm only the Messenger"...

**************A Lesson in Tolerance******************

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says. "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto.

I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge" its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.

Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on............ And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or, it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!!!!

I would like to gently ask that posting have some passing relationship to genealogy ... after all, that's what this site is about.

Thank you Dan, I agree with you and would like to keep the additions to be loosely connected to genealogy or history or that remind us of where we have come from. I do have some "oldster" stories/humor that I may include from time to time when I start running out of things that are more directly related to genealogy. Religious & political humor needs to be very general to avoid offending others. The goal here is to laugh (or cry from laughing too hard), not to be offended.

I do think that the one about Common Sense is funny and so true today that it is sad!!! Can it sort of be connected to Thomas Paine's Common Sense written back in 1775??? Yah, I know that one was written in connection to England, and preceded the American Revolution, but...

Pat

Hope this brings back some good memories...

Surviving the 1930’s – 70’s --
To Those of Us Born 1925 - 1979:
No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME!!! OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF!!


At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno… If you don't read anything else, please read what he said. Very well stated, Mr. Leno…
~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!


First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.


As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.


 We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
WHY? Because we were always outside playing... that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. --And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.


We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes.
There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS
and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents. 



We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.


We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and - although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!


 The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.


If YOU are one of those born
Between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?
~~~~~~~
The quote of the month
By Jay Leno
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

How many of these can you identify with???

You Know You’re a Genealogist if…
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if the top item on your Christmas list is a genealogy subscription!
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if your email contact list contains more distant cousins than immediate family.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you’ve ever tried to inspire the next generation by whispering in a newborn’s ear, “Genealogy is fun.”
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you evaluate the surnames of acquaintances (along with complete strangers) to see how they might be related.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you know all the maiden names of all your female friends—and if you don’t, you surreptitiously try to discover them.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you secretly celebrate a forebear’s birthday.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if the highlight of your last trip was a cemetery visit.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if no family member is ever treated as a black sheep (everyone is welcome).
▪ You know you’re a genealogist when you realize your collection of DNA results is more important than your nick knacks.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you immediately understand these abbreviations: BC, DC, MC and VR.
▪ Answer the first associated words that come to mind: Ellis, family and vital. If you answered Island, history and record, you know you’ve become a genealogist.
▪ You might be a genealogist if you think family history is an ancestral game of hide and seek.
▪ You might be a genealogist if dead people are more interesting to you than the living.
▪ You might be a genealogist if you love living in the past lane.
▪ You might be a genealogist if the phrase “relatively speaking” holds a truly unique meaning.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if a scanner and archival storage containers are more exciting gifts than jewelry (female) or football tickets (male).
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you know what inst. and ult. stand for.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you’ve ever repurposed your dining room table, and panic at anyone going near it.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if your vacation bucket list includes Fort Wayne, Salt Lake City, and Washington, D.C. (hopefully all in the same year).
▪ You know your friend is not a genealogist if he/she doesn’t understand why these are top vacation destinations.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if there is a courthouse programmed into your GPS.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you’ve ever had your photo taken in front of a tombstone and you were actually smiling!
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you know more about the past than the present.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you know what a GEDCOM and an ahnentafel are.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you have no problem substituting your great great grandmother’s maiden name for your mother’s (in answer to a security question).
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you can name the county for most major cities in the United States! Admit it—many of you can assign these cities to their correct county: Atlanta, Cleveland, Newark, Houston, San Francisco…
▪ You know you’re a genealogist when you watch a movie that has a scene in a graveyard, and you’re distracted from the plot by trying to transcribe the tombstones.
▪ If you think your family is normal, you probably aren’t a genealogist!
▪ You know you’re hopelessly hooked on genealogy if you say “Honey, I’ll just be a few minutes on the computer,” and then find yourself awestruck by the sunrise.

Did you realize all of the lessons you were learning when heard the comments??????? How many comments do you remember hearing as you were growing up??? (I didn't realize all of the lessons I was learning, but I remember toooo many of comments!!!) How many of you are parents/grandparents and teaching these lessons??? (Are you going to let the kids know that you are teaching them lessons... after you make the comment?)

Things Our Mother Taught Us
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait till we get home.”
13. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
14. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way.”
15. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
16. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
17. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetable, you’ll never grow up.”
18. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
19. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
20. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
21. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Are you familiar with these??? I thought LOL was lots of love or is it Lots of Laughs??? This says it is Living on Lipitor????? Hummmmm... Some of these are priceless., but it looks like abbreviations can get you into trouble if you all aren't on the same page!!! (Think I would need to keep a copy of this nearby!)

TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you know any Seniors, this is the code for you! Please pass this on to those who need to understand their texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... ACGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
OMTGGTGTBR: Oops! More Than Gas! Got to Go to Bathroom!!!

Sorry folks, all I seem to have are loooooong ones! Some of these "truths" may have been stated in the past, but are very appropriate today!!! Things haven't changed much, have they???

GREAT TRUTHS

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill
5. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress.
-- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for... another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Can you think of a reason for not sharing this?
Neither could I...

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

Texas…………
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Can't help but laugh at that one, Eldon!!! Trying to do the "right" thing always cost more $$$$$$'s!!! I will share this one with my email friends!!! Thanks for the contribution!
Pat

I have this one with Maxine sitting in a chair with her feet on a footstool while she is eating chips or popcorn & has a soda or beer can in her hand... Love Maxine's sense of humor & wish I could sometimes share some of her cartoons here (I have between 900-1000 of her cartoons!!!) --oh, well.

MY LIVING WILL

 



Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
 


They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. 
 

They are SO on my shit list...

I know I wouldn't do very well if I had to take this test today!!! I hated essay tests!!! and the time limits would be a killer!!! I'm not even sure that some of this was taught when I went to school in the '50's. How would you do if you had to take this test??? No calculators for those math questions!!! It does give one a different perspective & respect for an 8th grade education, doesn't it???

8th Grade Final Exam 1895

Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1895? ...Take a Look:
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Saline, Kansas. USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Saline, Kansas and reprinted by the Saline Journal. 

 See comments at the end about the history and accuracy of the exam.

8th Grade Final Exam: Saline, KS - 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case. Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. per bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
8. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
9. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates:
1607
1620
1800
1849
1865

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'.
Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word:
bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences:
cite, site, sight,
fane, fain, feign,
vane, vain, vein,
raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

Imagine a college student today who went to public school trying to pass this test, even if the few outdated questions were modernized.

Gives the saying of an early 20th century person that "she/he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning!

Surnames for Sale

Surnames that I have in my ancestral line,
Four hundred now listed and all of them mine.
Are often most common like Jones or like Smith,
Like Johnson or Barber that we can live with;

But then there are others that lift, I suppose;
I've a Bliss and a Jasper, a Heaven and Rose.
And then there are some that just hit 'tween the eyes
And give you a shock, or a laugh, of surprise.

For years I have had one with name of John Death.
When I first had found him it near took my breath,
But then I thanked goodness I found not such often;
Then this week - believe it! - discovered Beth Coffin!

My wife I have teased about her pedigree,
That listed some queer ones as on my own tree,
For she has a Webb and a Cobb in her line.
Cobwebs in your ancestry surely is fine!

They say of our forebears we ought to be proud,
And not be supposing we're born 'neath a cloud,
But some of our names that we find make us wail
And tempted to offer some surnames for sale.

--Ora Barlow

Some may consider this one a little "naughty". I hope it will still bring a laugh and not be considered offensive.

Looking for new drug name.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen; Aleve is also called Naproxen; Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

COMMENTS are appreciated (even if only a few words!!!) so I know others are reading this.

Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned 70.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?’

After I go sailing this afternoon, I'm going drive very quickly to a cook-out to have some barbequed ribs and a big glass of wine. Later that night - who knows?

Elise.....Being the "BBQ King of Newbury Park I was wondering what your preference in Ribs are?

Cousin...
Stormin'Norm

...it's the little things....

Musings of a Pseudo Ex-Hippie Advertising Art Director….

Getting olde too quickly is bad enough…with the overly sensitive failing teeth, the quick onslaught of cataracts…the trick knee when you attempt to climb stairs…the constant falling asleep every time you sit down…someone always misplacing your reading or distance glasses..........BUT IT’s JUST TOOOO MUCH when you sit down under your favorite apple tree (the one that drops all the apples Before they are edible)…puffing away at your once a week cigar….trying to figure out how to slow your life down…..and then you realize that all your favorite T-Shirts (the ones that have shrunk down to the perfect size to almost hide your ever expanding belly) are filled with moth holes and tears from the thousands of washings…to the point that if you wear them out you have to wear an overshirt to hide them and to keep your wife from hocking you and calling you a baglady…….Annnnd…. you can’t buy new ones because the manufacturer has changed his design and now they don’t fit the same…besides now they are being made in a third world country that builds in some kind of bug that causes itching constantly…..
......without those olde “hole-ly” T-Shirts… life is just becoming untenable………

Hey Cousin Norm - I'll eat any kind of ribs that (1) I don't have to cook and (2) I can eat in my hole-ly t-shirt - the one with the barbeque sauce stains on it!

I thought this was really interesting, hopel

100+ Years of Fatherhood


In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. 
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. 
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.



In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. 
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure a new tape is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. 
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.



In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. 
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.



In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." 
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice!"



In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the child was all smiles. 
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid says, "But I wanted an X-box!"



In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. 
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in the fridge."

'The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents." -- John J. Plomp

The Old Never Die…

- Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die; they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die; they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die; they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die; they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die; they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die; they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die; they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die; much as you want them to.
- Ols bowlers never die; they just end up in the gutter
- Old cashiers never die; they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die; they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die; they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die; they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die; they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die; they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die; they just lose their faculties.
- Old dentists never die; they just lose their pull
- Old dieters never die, they just waist away
- Old divers never die; they just extend their bottom time
- Old doctors never die; they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die; they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die; they just go to seed.
- Old football players never die; they just go to the end zone
- Old football players never die; they just kick the bucket
- Old foresters never die; they just pine away
- Old garage men never die; they just retire.
- OLD Goal umpires never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football
- Old hackers never die; they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die; they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die; they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die; they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die; they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die; they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die; they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die; they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die; they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die; they just go under.
- Old magicians never die; they just they're just fooling themselves.
- Old maids count on fingers, but young girls count on legs.
- Old math teachers never die; they just reduce to lowest terms.
- Old mathematicians never die; they just go off on a tangent.
- Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some functions.
- Old mediums never die; they are just visiting their friends.
- Old mathematicians never die; they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die; they just lose their whey.
- Old ministers never die; they just get put out to pastor...
- Old musicians never die; they just get played out.
- Old nurses never die; they just get needled.
- Old number theorists never die; they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die; they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die; they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die; they just go to peaces.
- Old photographers never die; they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die; they just go to a higher plane.
- Old plumbers never die; they just go down the drain
- Old policemen never die; they just cop out.
- Old preachers never die; they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
- Old printers never die; they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die; they just recurse.
- Old never die; they just pass away.
- Old quarterbacks never die; they just fade back and pass away.
- Old quilters never die; they just go to pieces.
- Old quilters never die; they just go under cover.
- Old refrigerator repairmen never die; they just blow their cool.
- Old schools never die; they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die; they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die; they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die; they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die; they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die; they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steelmakers never die; they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die; they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die; they just go into hiding.
- Old teachers never die; they just lose their class.
- Old typists never die; they just lose their justification.
- Old trombonists never die - they just slide away...
- Old truck drivers never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
- Old TV soap stars never die; they become pathetic
- Old violinists never die - they just become unstrung.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die; they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die; they just lose their grip.
- Old wants never die; they become needs.
- Old watchmakers never die; they just run out of time.
- Old watchmakers never die; they just unwind.
- Old watchmakers never die; they just wind down.
- Old weathermen never die; they reign forever.
- Old wrestlers never die; they just lose their grip.
- Old yachtsmen never die; they just keel over.
- There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

Relative Humor
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

"You're Next!!!"...Great Line Pat!!!

....I think maybe you would have enjoyed the Weddings More if you had attended some ethnic ones (I assume you haven't)......
..... the olde ladies would still have squeezed your cheeks....but then they would have said..."have I got a nice boy for you!".....of course it was her little fat pimply faced grandson...but what can I say at least she tried???