Genealogy Humor

Dorothy Parker

I went to Dorothy Parker's site. There are some really good quotes from her. I really liked: • The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'
This one was pretty good also:
• If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

More Tombstone Epitaphs:

Jedediah Goodwin, Auctioneer:
Born 1828 Going! Going!! Gone!!! 1876
==================================
Effie Jean Robinson
1897-1922
Come blooming youths, as you pass by,
And on these lines do cast an eye.
As you are now, so once was I;
As I am now, so must you be;
Prepare for death and follow me.
(Which in not funny at all. But underneath, someone had added:)
To follow you
I am not content,
How do I know which way you went.

==================================
Colorado
Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.

==================================
Silver City, Nevada
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.
(may be in Cripple Creek, Colorado)

==================================

More Tombstone Epitaphs:

*Toothless Nell (Alice Chambers)
Killed 1876 in a Dance Hall brawl.
Her last words: “Circumstances led me to this end.”

==================================
*Boot Hill Museum, Dodge City, Kansas
Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim
We made the mistake, But the joke’s on him.

==================================
Johnnie Schewel, librarian

102, past due no more

1842-1944

THE END

==================================
Here lies JEB BROWN

He lies here because his neck was too close to a rope

while his feet were too far from the ground!


==================================
Mary "Molly" Fowler's grave, Milford Cemetery, Connecticut
Molly though pleasant in her day

Was suddenly seized and sent away

How soon she's ripe, how soon she's rott'n

Sent to her grave and soon forgott'n

==================================

More Tombstone Epitaphs:

P. U. Smelly

He stunk by day

He reeked at night

His Ma and Pa

Sure named him right

==================================
In Welland, Ontario
Here lies all that remains of Charlotte

Born a virgin, died a harlot

A marvelous thing for this vicinity

==================================
Here richly, with ridiculous display,

The Politician's corpse was laid away.

While all of his acquaintance sneered and slanged,

I wept for I had longed to see him hanged

==================================
Here lies the body of

Edward Hyde

We laid him here

Because he died

==================================
We all have a debt

To nature due

I've paid mine

And so must you

(Rock Valley, Massachusetts)

==================================

[Sorry, I thought I had added some yesterday :-( ]

More Tombstone epitaphs:

Miss Sarah Cutler, Medway, Massachusetts
Death gave to me a sudden call,

I have obeyed and so must all

==================================
Kent, England
Grim death took me

Without any warning.

I was well at night,

And dead in the morning.

==================================
Bridge Street Cemetery, Eastham Massachusetts
As you pass by

And cast an eye

As you are now

So once was I
==================================
Arabella Young, Hatfield, Massachusetts
Here Lies as silent clay

Miss Arabella Young.

Who on the 21st of May,

Began to hold her tongue
==================================
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of

my husband John Barnes

Who died January 3, 1803

His comely young widow, aged 23, has many

Qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.
==================================

More Tombstone Epitaphs:

In memory of Lettuce Manning:
Oh cruel death 

To satisfy the palate,

Cut down our Lettuce 

To make a salad.
==================================
Here lies Barnard Lightfoot
who was accidentally killed in the 45th year of his age.
This monument was erected by his grateful family.
==================================
Christ Church Burial Grounds; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
The Body of

B. Franklin, Printer

Like the Cover of an old Book

Its Contents turn out

And Stript of its Lettering & Guilding

Lies here. Food for Worms

For, it will as he believed

appear once more

In a new and more elegant Edition

corrected and improved

By the Author
Benjamin Franklin

==================================
Grave marker in Covington, Virginia
"I made a lot of deals in my lifetime ...

But I sure went in the hole on this one!"
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England
"On the 22nd of June

~ Jonathan Fiddle ~

Went out of tune."
==================================
On a headstone at Chapel Cemetery
"I was Carolina Born

And Carolina bred

And here I lay

Carolina dead!"
==================================
On a tombstone of a woman who died
in New England in the Colonial era
"She did what she could"
==================================
"Here lies Kelly,
We buried him today.
He lived the life of Riley,
... when Riley was away!"
==================================
On a headstone in Oconto Falls, Wisconsin
"Here Lies The Body Of A Man Who Died

Nobody Mourned - Nobody Cried

How He Lived - How He Fared

Nobody Knows - Nobody Cared"
==================================
On a tombstone of a newborn in
Ashby de la Zooch, England
"Open'd my eyes

Took a peep.

Didn't like it

Went back to sleep."
==================================
"Here lies the bones of Private Jones
For whom War held no terrors.
A private then, a private now
No runs, No hits, just errors."
==================================

Here are some FAMOUS PEOPLE & Their Epitaphs:

Dean Martin: "Everybody loves somebody sometime" 


Frank Sinatra: "The best is yet to come" 


Jackie Gleason: "And away we go" 


Poet Robert Frost: "I had a lovers quarrel with the world"


Poet HJ Daniels: (for his wife) 
"To follow you I am not content. How do I know which way you went?" 


Richard Hind: 
"Here lies the body of Richard Hind, who was neither ingenious, sober or kind" 


Rodney Dangerfield: "There goes the neighborhood"

Mel Blanc: "That's All Folks!" The Man of a Thousand Voices

Merv Griffin: "I will not be right back after this message."

Winston Churchill: "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."


Bette Davis: "She did it the hard way"
 


Wyatt Earp: "Nothing's So Sacred As Honor And Nothing's So Loyal As Love"


Martin Luther King, Jr.: 
"Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I'm Free At Last."


Bert Convy: “His star will forever shine.”

Sammy Davis, Jr.: "The Entertainer"
He did it all

Jack Dempsey: A Gentle Man and a Gentleman


Will Rogers: “I never met a man I didn't like.”

Edgar Allan Poe: Quoth the Raven,
"Nevermore."

Lionel Barrymore: “Well, I’ve played everything but a harp.”

Walter Winchell: “Here lies Walter Winchell in the dirt he loved so well.”

Wallace Ford (1897-1966) British Actor: “At last I get top billing.”
==================================

Genealogist's Disease
Warning: Genealogy pox (Very contagious to adults)



Symptoms: Continual complaint as to need for names, dates, and places. Patient has a blank expression, sometimes deaf to spouse and children.
Has no taste for work of any kind, except feverishly looking though records at libraries and courthouses. Has compulsion to write letters. Swears at mailman when he doesn't leave mail. Frequents strange places such as cemeteries, ruins, and remote desolate country areas. Has strange, faraway look in eyes.

Treatment: Medication is useless. Disease is not fatal, but gets progressively worse. Patient should attend genealogy workshops, subscribe to genealogical magazines and be give a quiet corner in the house where he or she can be alone.

Remarks: The unusual nature of this disease is the sicker the patient gets; the more he or she enjoys it!

COWBOY TOMBSTONE 
 

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen
in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah. 



FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. And finally, it's very important these four women do not know each other, or you could end up dead like me. 



This is on the back of his headstone:

Two things I love most,
good horses and beautiful women and when I die I hope
they tan this old hide of mine
and make it into a ladies riding
saddle, so I can rest in peace
between the two things I love most.

Poor old Russell has no profile on Geni!
http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GSln=Larsen&am...;

Russell J. Larsen No one else did it so I started Russell James Larsen and his family. There will be Mormon Pioneers in his tree

Thanks Eldon. The info at his Find A Grave site was interesting also. Hope someone, a brother or sister or a nephew or niece might be a geni member and add to his tree.

Sunday is Father's Day so I would like to say a Happy Father's Day to all who are Fathers. I hope you have a great day and may every day be a Father's Day!!! I am going to include a couple of "tributes" to Fathers that I hope you will enjoy.

Hugs & Angels be with you,
Pat

A Father

By: Beautiful Chaos

A father never wants to see
His child go astray
Everyday he tries his best
To help you on your way

Knows at times you’ll have to fail
Learn things on your own
No matter how it hurts to see
His baby bird has flown

Protector of a youthful heart
Consoler of all pains
A hero in the eyes of love
The blood within your veins

Child love your father now
Give him all your praise
Our time in life is limited
Wisely use these days

Give back all he’s given you
This love is something rare
It’s flow is unconditional
Strength beyond compare

COMPARISON OF Fathers
100 years ago verses today

• Today nearly 100 years have elapsed since the first father's Day was celebrated. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

• In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horse. Today, it's the size of his minivan/SUV.

• In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

• In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

• In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

• In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

• In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on throat cancer.

• In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for baseball practice."

• In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

• In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.”

I love Erma Bombeck's sense of humor. I have a "How Mothers Were Created" by her but it took some time to find one about fathers. Here it is. I hope you enjoy it.

How Fathers Were Created
By Erma Bombeck

When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. A female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping. And God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?" 



And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats." And God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face." 



And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?" And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus." 



God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?" And God smiled and said, "They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." 



God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm, authoritative voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?" 



The angel said nothing more. 


This one is "Food for thought." I know that not everyone had a GREAT Dad, sorry to say, and I found this online that might help you deal with Father's Day. Even if you had a fantastic Dad, it is a good read. I hope that everyone has a fantabulous Father's Day.

Father's Day When You Have a BAD DAD...

This is not a Hallmark Card Father's Day type message. There are no shortage of the warm and fuzzy Father's Day cards, quotes and sentiments for you to read, bouncing around the Internet.

No, this Father's Day message is for all of us who have, or had, strained, troubled, broken or abusive relationships with dear old dad. It was actually inspired after recently counseling someone whose father had sexually abused her as a child. So, if your dad is Ward Cleaver, count your lucky stars. You don't need to read on. Go enjoy him. Love him and celebrate him. Just don't judge those of us who struggle with Father's Day because we had something far less than "Father Knows Best," for a dad.

To begin with, it's important to remember that the Hebrew Bible says, "honor your father."

--It doesn't say "obey your father."

--It doesn't say "respect your father."

--It doesn't say "like your father."

--It doesn't even say "love your father."

Of course, it would be wonderful to feel love for one's father, however, love is a feeling and feelings can't be commanded.

Some fathers are lovable. However, some fathers are not. For a myriad of reasons, they are outside the realm of our love: abuse, neglect, absence, abandonment, betrayal
--- many fathers have simply made it impossible for their children to feel the emotion of love or demonstrate it back. And if you are such a child, of any age, or even if your father is dead, particularly on Father's Day when you are bombarded with Hallmark card messages of "love you dad," you need to hear this at least once today: 

--NOT LOVING YOUR DAD DOES NOT MAKE YOU A MONSTER.

--NOT LOVING YOUR DAD IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

--IS IT SAD? YES, OF COURSE, BUT IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU BAD!

Look, we are not judged by our feelings, rather, we are judged by our actions. It would be nice to love dad, however, for many of us, at least at this moment, it may not be there and maybe it never will.

What is a choice, what is always a choice, however, are our actions. How do we choose to treat our dads? That is always our choice to make.

To "honor" our father, at the very least, is to treat him with common decency and dignity. In the rabbinic tradition this is the bare minimum of making sure that he is clothed, fed, and sleeps with a roof over his head. It is a minimum, it certainly isn't a maximum, but it is a start.

Beyond that there are degrees of honor -- if at all possible, picking up the phone and calling dad, speaking to dad in a dignified way and taking the kids to visit their grandfather are all rungs as we climb up the ladder of honor.

Honor, however, may also mean NOT picking up the phone, NOT visiting, or NOT placing the grandchildren into his life. Yes, that is harsh. Of course it isn't ideal. It's horrible. It's hell. However, so is physical abuse, sexual abuse or emotional abuse. Hell is having a father who is a drug addict, an alcoholic, a compulsive liar, thief, bully or all-around bad guy.

Indeed, there is a commandment to honor one's father, however, there is no commandment to subject oneself, or own's children, to abuse, forsaking their honor, or our own, to honor an abusive dad. As much as it is a commandment to honor one's father, equally it is a commandment for a father to make it possible for his children to honor him and some dad's seem to do all they can to make this commandment nearly impossible to fulfill.

Respect must be earned. 

Love must be inspired.
Honor, however, is a set of actions that we have some control over.

As sons and daughters we must do everything we can to bestow honor, at least the lowest rung on the ladder of honor, upon our dad.

Maybe this Father's Day you'll forgive your dad (alive or dead).

Possibly this Father's Day you'll love your dad.
Perhaps this Father's Day you'll find something, one thing, to respect about your dad.
However, at the very least, do whatever you can to somehow, in some way, show him some honor.

Even if he doesn't deserve it -- do it for yourself, do it for your kids, do it for God. May we all be blessed with father's we not only honor but we love. At the very least, may we all be blessed to be sons and daughters that do our very best to show our dad, whether in life or death, deserving or not, a sense of honor on this Father's Day.

Have an Honorable Father's Day
Rabbi Baruch HaLevi

Rabbi B
www.RabbiB.com

Father’s Day Humor

1. What was the difference between the responsibility of a modern day father and a father of 19th century? In 1900, if a father could provide a roof over the head of his family members, then he was successful. But, a modern father is not successful even if he provides a roof, deck, pool, 4- car garages and vacation.


2. Father is the God who stays back at home, not at heaven.


3. Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

--Science student: When my father sees my report card!


4. What is the father’s day for a little child? It’s just like another Mother’s day to him, the only difference, however, is that you don’t need to spend so much.


5. Five sons asked their father that, “who is most obedient?
”
Father replied that, “The obedient one doesn’t ever talk back to mother”. Quickly, one of his five sons replied that “Okay, dad you are the most obedient then”.

6. Once a son asked for another glass full of water to his father, the father said that he already has given 10 glasses of water. The son replied that “Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!”


7. A little boy said to pastor that he would give him some money when the little boy is grown up. Pastor thanked him and asked the little boy the reason. The little boy mentioned that his father says that the pastor is one of the poorest preachers they ever had.


8. Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today?

To whom am I speaking?


Voice: This is my father.

9. A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“…Which bus would I take home?”

10. Father and his son were quietly sitting on a beach and were counting the waves. Suddenly, the child pointed towards a dead bird and asked what happened to it? His father replied that, it just passed away and went to heaven. The little boy thought for a moment and asked surprisingly, why did God did throw it back then?


11. Name two people who don’t ever hesitate to embarrass you in front of your friends? Mom and Dad!!


12. "Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"

"But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"

"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"

13. Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one!

Patricia Ann Scoggin Thank you for the link to Rabbi B's blog entry; it was worth sharing!

What is a Genealogist?
A full time detective.
A thorough historian.
An inveterate snoop.
A confirmed diplomat.
A Keen observer.
A hardened skeptic.
An apt biographer.
A qualified linguist.
A part-time lawyer.
A studious sociologist.
An accurate reporter.
An hieroglyphics expert.
AND
A complete nut!!!

i might add one who deals with crazy people asking asinine questions all the time to that list.

Buy an ancestor on line!

http://www.fulkerson.org/ancestors/buyanancestor.html

Description of a Genealogist…

Wears wide-brimmed hat to ward off sun and rain in cemeteries.
Wears trifocal glasses.
Has a sticky tongue from licking stamps.
Muscular right arm from cranking microfilm readers.
Has carpal tunnel syndrome from using computer.
Gets writers cramp from taking notes.
Wears shirt with large pockets for pencils and membership cards.
Wears a vest with pedigree chart on back for others to read.
Carries a coin changer on belt for photocopy machines.
Wears knee pads for finding books on low shelves.
Owns sensible shoes.

God grant me the serenity to accept the ancestors I cannon find, the courage to find the ones I can, and the wisdom to document thoroughly.

Rules for our Ancestors 


-OR- 


How to confuse your descendants


(1) Thou shalt name your male children: James, John, Joseph, Josiah, Abel, Richard, Thomas, William.
(2) Thou shalt name your female children: Elizabeth, Mary, Martha, Maria, Sarah, Ida, Virginia, May.
(3) Thou shalt leave NO trace of your female children.
(4) Thou shalt, after naming your children from the above lists, call them by strange nicknames such as: Ike, Eli, Polly, Dolly, Sukey.---making them difficult to trace.
(5) Thou shalt NOT use any middle names on any legal documents or census reports, and only where necessary, you may use only initials on legal documents.
(6)Thou shalt learn to sign all documents illegibly so that your surname can be spelled, or misspelled, in various ways: Hicks, Hichs, Hix, Hixe, Hucks, Kicks.
(7) Thou shalt, after no more then 3 generations, make sure that all family records are lost, misplaced, burned in a court house fire, or buried so that NO future trace of them can be found.
(8) Thou shalt propagate misleading legends, rumors, & vague innuendo regarding your place origination.
~~ (A) you may have come from : England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales....or Iran.
~~ (B) you may have American Indian ancestry of the______ tribe...
~~ (C) You may have descended from one of three brothers that came over from______
(9) Thou shalt leave NO cemetery records, or headstones with legible names.
(10) Thou shalt leave NO family Bible with records of birth, marriages, or deaths.
(11) Thou shalt ALWAYS flip thy name around. If born James Albert, thou must make all the rest of thy records in the names of Albert, AJ, JA, AL, Bert, Bart, or Alfred.
(12) Thou must also flip thy parent's names when making reference to them, although "Unknown" or a blank line is an acceptable alternative.
(13) Thou shalt name at least 5 generations of males, and dozens of their cousins with identical names in order to totally confuse researchers.

I have many ancestors that must have known of these "Rules", esp. #1, 2, 4, 5, 8A & C, 12, and esp 13!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #13 has been one of my biggest headaches with the Montgomery line--there are at least 13 + within at least 3 generations (I stopped counting at that point) with NO other name to differentiate who was who and worse yet, they all lived in the same area!!! When you add #8 to the mix...

Which "Rules" have your ancestors known about? Do you have any other "Rules" that you might add to this list???

Your ancestors are always related to someone famous. Instead of telling the truth. :)

Ross? "Betsy Ross" of course. (not so much ...)
Jackson? "Andrew Jackson was my second cousin.". (hey, you never know ... Because he had no real idea of his ancestry ....)

And don't bother explaining where the very strange names came from.

Abijah? Family name.

Maybe in Iran!

Misspelled as "Ojibwah.".

Just to start native American ancestry rumors ...

Erica, thanks for a couple of more "Rules". Will add them to my master list.

14. "Don't bother explaining where the very strange names came from." ie: Family name "Abijah", misspelt as "Ojibwah" (from Iran???)

15. "Claim that your ancestors were related to someone famous." ie: Betsy Ross or Andrew Jackson...

HEY....My grandfather WAS Andrew Jackson Sargent Jr......his father was Andrew Jackson Sargent.......I have not checked to see if there is a relation to THE Andrew Jackson......but noone has made that claim.....I believe that 'hero worship' (or polititcal statement) often got mixed up in a mis-mash that some read a meaning an actual blood relationship.....

There was a phase in America when it was quite the thing to give a child a famous person's name......wny else are there so many George Washington's (Copp, Cole, Smith, etc).....and I even have a Van Buren Martin...... (in school days or on documents where last name is first and first name is last....he would read Martin Van Buren.

I have as much trouble with people who get their 1st year of life counted, so that the second they have a birthday, they are IN their 2nd year......which actually seems logical......but which we do not do at present...